small cow

I want to spend time with you, just be with you, but where are you?

Tearing up, morning sun spotted leaves, wind rustling, green rustling, sky sojourn.

So rarely do I write a joyful post on here, so rarely do I subject myself to a continuation of my own happiness, whether it be fragile, tormenting, or bursting, that I feel a gratitude, a forgotten relief, to cement these words. I can believe it can continue, that I can continue.

I will oblige to an unceremonial departure. Familiar bike rides, the rustling of forests, budgie songs—these things I will miss. Time, I will always miss. The forgetting of expectations, late morning beginnings. I was wrong to say, last summer, that there was nothing in this city left for me. I believed and now I retreat. We are leaving this place, but we grow tired for it. What we think are the least serious changes, can […]

There is a death that festers in the unworded. I consider cutting my hair four times, watch my face contort in tears and redden, punch the wall and scrape a small piece of pinky skin. My period cramps me. The little birds bounce across the cage and rub and peck their beaks to each other, creating the sweetest sounds. In a repressed mood of visceral memories I google NSFW questions. If I don’t finish The […]

That summer when the four of us would don our navy pencil skirts and reddish, brownish silk ties and conspire around the wood table in our fan-cooled basement office, at least two of us were virgins. The season was hot and mosquito-ridden, and I had just pierced my ears, one tiny diamond embedded in each lobe, often on the verge of inflammation. C was the closest to my age, then R, then D older than […]

Your room faced West, like mine. Two rectangular windows, one bed, one desk, one drawer, a vertical dresser, two chairs, and a low-ceiling (really low-ceiling) storage unit in the back. You crammed those top shelves of your desk with books, books you had read and hadn’t read, spine against spine, cover on cover. When you took off your shirt for the first time I noticed the gold chain around your neck. And I noticed, by […]

The first time we truly spoke, we talked about our imminent departures from Toronto. I think that day was the warmest of all days we spent with each other, sun-filled, a surprise. “I’m not here anymore.” “I’m just kidding, I’m here, don’t worry.” Nearer the end, we hiked to the beach and raced to the waves. The wind seemed to be perpetually against us. I gave up competing, stood with my hair dancing around me, […]

Now that some sort of end is approaching, I think—thank you. To live life, to live life. When was it, when I began to wake and slip forward into a still-to-be-lost time? The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Oh sun, sun shine, sun forward, sun lost. Tell me how to live a life without pity. Do you not fear, to be doing the right things wrongly? Why do I hate myself? The indulgence. The […]

I have spent many lonely hours biking to the Harbourfront and sitting lonely by the half real water, listening to the seagull behind me wailing like a newborn child, pretending the colder wind bothers me not. Stuffing my face with a garlic shrimp rice bowl, or a small organic apple from a Koreatown fruit market, or tasteless cucumber, I supress the thought that there is something or someone waiting for me, edging closer to my […]