The first time we truly spoke, we talked about our imminent departures from Toronto. I think that day was the warmest of all days we spent with each other, sun-filled, a surprise. “I’m not here anymore.” “I’m just kidding, I’m here, don’t worry.” Nearer the end, we hiked to the beach and raced to the waves. The wind seemed to be perpetually against us. I gave up competing, stood with my hair dancing around me, […]
Now that some sort of end is approaching, I think—thank you. To live life, to live life. When was it, when I began to wake and slip forward into a still-to-be-lost time? The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Oh sun, sun shine, sun forward, sun lost. Tell me how to live a life without pity. Do you not fear, to be doing the right things wrongly? Why do I hate myself? The indulgence. The […]
I have spent many lonely hours biking to the Harbourfront and sitting lonely by the half real water, listening to the seagull behind me wailing like a newborn child, pretending the colder wind bothers me not. Stuffing my face with a garlic shrimp rice bowl, or a small organic apple from a Koreatown fruit market, or tasteless cucumber, I supress the thought that there is something or someone waiting for me, edging closer to my […]
Holy moly moly. Soundscapes closing. Songs for Antigone: The Kick Inside, Silvery, Mountaineers, Vantablack. Thinking of saying to goodbye to turquoise bike: impossible. Have I grown sick of the Thai Red Curry from Thai Basil? Back to Bangkok Style Pad Thai. Home-cooked meals soon. Oh my stomach. Colanders Art. Pleasing dream.
This has been a restless week. It will be another restless week. In my restlessness I would like to remind myself of where I was, in a time very near to the present. This was a time I saw no future and did not seek for one. Where I wanted to take one year off and go hide in Northern Canada. Where I simply did not care to make a life of myself. Somehow, the […]
In the 21st century, to be in love with another is more necessary than ever. I have tried self-love, self-care, personal development, stress eating, book diving. Nothing, nothing is a better antidote than love between two. If you can derive your love from familial and platonic love, then I applaud you. But for me, the only sustainable solution is to be completely dependent on another, and to have another completely dependent on me. Every day. […]
In my sickness, I see every sign as either a vessel of salvation or destruction. Unable to hold two ideas at once, I either merge with one or wander amongst countless, which is like a cycle, which is like the fog. In my sickness I close the blinds to my window every night, and sometimes afterwards I rip one side open, crane the pane halfway, and stare at the distance between my body and the […]
That bitch made me cry, but she’s an influencer now. She’s an Amazon Associate who “really tries my best to choose local and small brands, products, and services whenever I can.” She got those weird on-page pop-up ads that manifest with a click. Fuck ads. Fuck shitty workplace environments and government bureaucracy. We all compromised our integrity that summer.
God I wish I was a graphic designer. Wish I was Angel Chen’s face. Wish I could speak European, bear a sleek tattoo. Wish I had an effortless Twitter that made me seem smart, nice, and not neurotically dependent on validation. Wish all my underwear was sexy, and terribly comfortable. Wish I could hit those high notes and low notes. Wish I had a male specimen that could reciprocate perfectly my need for a specific […]
I came back to Winnipeg on December 13th, and quickly fell into a feverish yearning for my high school crush. On my first night, under two thick blankets and embracing my stuffed dog, I gazed at the streetlamp and black sky and snow-covered road, and felt my past surface as a dark ember. In the weeks prior I had been worried that memories of the summer, afternoons of unspeakable depression, would haunt me stubbornly, but […]