It’s been three weeks since you’ve left and what has changed and what hasn’t changed rest in the movement of the hour. Spring came today weighted and unexpected, and I paced through my day with a clear veil over my eyes. There was no wind to sway it, even a little.
Toronto has never looked this good for a March Saturday, and I can’t find the words in me to say it better. The sun-blue follows me everywhere and I follow it back; the sun-blue never followed me. Is this what it’s like to live without time? Just the particles, the colours, the infuriating reality of these careful shadows, a solid paint-stroke. Maybe it really is so blue. Sometimes suddenly, a ray pierces my heart and […]
Perhaps there is little difference between day and night. Between you and me, we live both at once and it seems it is not enough. And too much. What happened? …How did it happen? I asked. You replied, We laughed. How can I understand how to love you under the sun? That is, how to love you when you have turned your back to the cloud, when you have left the missed hours behind, to […]
Look, it’s soon March, and I’m not the one weeping, you are the one weeping, and yes, I am weeping. It’s a leap year, so here I am, trying to negotiate an early bloom, a new, normal surprise bloom. I know we agreed to stop counting by Day 3 or 4, but when you’re asleep, I cannot help but crinkle the pages, dare a re-glimpse. (What do I discover but the words, blinding and binding, […]
The day after you left, a biting wind brewed in the city. I walked down familiar streets, the streets parallel to our route two days prior, with my black jacket on, the thin metal butterflies on my earrings tinkling violently against each other, gold against green against gold. I exited campus, passed by Grange Park, veered around the construction that I had noticed when we first met, all to the sounds of this wind, which […]
I am listening to a song and I can no longer listen, but still I listen to the song, because… Well, I don’t know at all. I don’t think I have ever remembered the feeling, the exposure of a moment so deeply. It turns deeply beyond my mind and within my stomach. It was the beginning and somehow already the end, though everything is already an end (01/12/20).
Australia is burning. The American flag is being burned in Iran. There is no adequate, virtuous-enough transition that permits me to gently guide myself into telling the goodness of my day. (So why I did not just start with a less grabbing line… Why I did I simply not count my blessings…) 10 in Vancouver, 4 in Toronto, and -3 in Winnipeg. It was bliss – warm, “literally hot,” as I told the barista at […]
Is something you decide on, and something you must accept for yourself. This life would be all the worst without yearning. Whether I’m trying to make an assurance for myself or a truth, I am not sure, and I am not sure if it matters, because what is said has been said. If I’ve read more than I’ve lived, than I know nothing of either. Either way, I know nothing of either. The only thing […]
In words, in the very thought of words, I find the only comfort I am able to give myself. Not the words as memory, or as anticipation, or as honouring. The words as their very presence, because any more and I shall gain them, meaning I will lose them, meaning I will need to restart somehow. But no meaning, in fact, and no gains and losses, in fact, but in universe, and in my heart, […]
To hear your voices and to hear them still, and then to hear them no longer and to begin typing the end of this sentence. To cup my hands to my face, in the weight of silence, and to run your words over my mind until my cheeks are warm. To formulate this loneliness, this darkness painted blank, and to feel the time running and opening and not opening at once. To give in to […]