Negation

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If I could say, how I feel bewildered, silently unsettled, heaviness under my eyes. Do the days simply pass like this, without slow acknowledgment, without a self anchor?

I did not expect to cry so badly along the streets of Toronto. I am glad I bit the inside of my cheek for as long as I could, and that I came home to a warm bed and two living souls. And that my friend called me, stilling my heart.

What did I leave in the city, what did I bring back here?

I am not fully weak, but I do not know what I am beyond knowing I am better than last year. Tonight, I feel disappointed, confused, steady, a bit emptier than usual. I crave the end of the semester but I feel ashamed and ungrateful in this desire.

It hurts me to negate someone I care about. It makes me feel more alone than the previous moment.

It will take time for me to regain the energy I had fed with my fluttery hope.

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